Europe, Moving, and Holden

Don't you ever wonder when life wont be so complicated? I do all the time! Since I have written last I have been busy with basically starting a whole new life. I was living in Texas for a while after I got kicked out of BYU-Idaho. Things were pretty easy not having a job and just hanging out with my friends and family.
Then I left for Europe. My dad went on a business trip to London and Rome and decided to take the family with him. We spent about a week and a half touring these two cities, eating the food, and well I cant vouch for everyone but, checking out all the cute boys. It was fun, tiring, and something I will remember always.
After I got home I immediately set down to find an apartment for Kade and I to live in. Kade was one of my friends that I met in Utah and we agreed to move in together. So 2 days after I got back from Europe, I packed up and headed to Utah. It is about a 24 hour drive from Texas to Salt Lake City, and it seems like a 50 hour trip when you do it by yourself. I stopped off in Albuquerque New Mexico and spent the night, then headed to Salt Lake City the next day. As I left Albuquerque it was pouring down rain and I couldn't see anything in front of me, so that delayed the trip by about an hour. Then a lot of construction was going on throughout the trip. I thought that my day couldn't get any more frustrating until the apartment complex that Kade and I were supposed to move into said that we were unable to. I was not very happy when I heard this. Kade was at work til later and it was hard to look for apartments while driving. So I was panicking wondering where I was going to live since I had no apartment to move into and all of my stuff in my car. Luckily my friend Tao let me stay with her for a few days, and Kade and I eventually found an apartment to move into, from one of his old friends named was Holden.
When I walked in he had a big smile on his face and seemed like one of the nicest guys you could meet. We talked for a bit and then he gave us a tour of the apartment and we decided to take it. Holden later texted me how he was excited that I would be moving into the complex and how I should visit him while he was in the office because he got bored easily. As the days went by Kade and I moved in, I hadn't found work yet so I was bored at home and would come visit Holden. We would text each other every day all the time telling each other about how we love each others smile and how we feel when we were around each other. Sappy, I know but we were happier when we were around each other. He later asked me out and we went on a date.
After he got off work we went in his truck to Chilis and had dinner, we had a great conversation and a wonderful time, then we went and saw a movie.
We were the only ones in the movie theater and sat down in the middle. We talked until the movie started and watched it, he was nice enough to take me to see Owls of Ga'Hoole since no one else wanted to go with me. And it ended up being a pretty decent movie. The movie was coming to an end and neither of us had made a move on each other. His hand was opened on his lap which made him seem like he wanted me to hold it, but it seemed to far away, and I was nervous that made I misread all the conversations and this was just a friend date. The movie progressed and as it did we moved closer and closer to each other until he grabbed my hand and held it. We later moved on to cuddling and in the end we kissed.
After the credits finished we went back to his truck and he drove me home. We parked in my apartment complex and I would have invited him in but we didn't have a couch and I didn't have a bed so we had no where to go to sit and talk. But he was ok with that. We stayed in the car and talked for a while, then we saw how late it was getting and decided to wrap things up. I told him how much fun I had and hoped we could do it again sometime soon. Then we started kissing. It felt weir me not being paranoid that someone might catch us kissing. I didn't care who saw, and I didn't care what they thought. I was happy.

Coming Soon to a Blog Near You!

I have been very busy with going to Europe, moving to Salt Lake City, meeting new friends, going to parties, and going on dates. Expect a post tonight or tomorrow. I promise :)

A New Hope

One thing I have noticed with break ups I have had, and what my friends have experienced, its a loss of hope. We feel like our world has ended, we feel as if we cannot overcome this trial that we have nothing left to live for. We have had our love, or our chance at it, and it won't come by again. We question if it was ourselves who caused the relationship to end, were we not good looking enough, did we not spend enough time with the other person, or were we too needy? We all feel inadequate after the break up, especially if the other person committed infidelity.


After having only two relationships and both of them cheating on me, I felt all those things, and questioned myself. I didn't feel like anyone would want to love me, and wondered why should they. Depression and thoughts of sadness and self pity devoured my mind. It was all I could think about, I would torture myself thinking about him cheating on me and cry myself to sleep. I would experience panic attacks each day thinking about it. Why is it always the partner in the relationship feel it is their fault, they feel worse than the person who betrayed them?
Dustin and I still remain friends. I really do believe that he did love me, that he messed up, and he still apologized to this day about it. There was a difference between Dustin and Cameron in the relationship. When I was going to break up with Dustin, he fought for me, he cried with me, he did everything in his power to keep me. With Cameron he accepted it and that was the end to it. He said that he wanted to be a good mormon and date girls again. But then he told me about how he was going on a date this weekend, with a guy. My heart started pounding harder and harder when I heard this, and I went into another panic attack, I lost my breath and felt dizzy and nauseous.
I thought to myself, the reason he didn't fight for me was because he was trying to be a good mormon and be "straight." But he was going on a date with a guy. It didn't make any sense to me, and i realized how I felt every time I talked with Cameron. Even though I had been going on dates with other guys, I felt like he shouldn't if he really had loved me. I felt that if he did that proved he didn't. I realized that i felt overwhelmingly jealous when I heard him talk about any other guy he was interested in and just felt bad inside. That is when I decided I needed time away from Cameron.
I went on a friend date with Dustin and told him the whole situation, and he told me how he thinks it is a good idea to stay away from cameron. He wanted me to stay away from him all together, but I don't think I would be able to do that. He may have been a bad boyfriend, but he was my best friend, and is a good friend. I think that since we haven't had a period of time where we haven't had time apart from each other, this might be the healthiest thing if we want to keep a relationship of friendship.
After trying out not talking to Cameron for 2 days I started to feel a little better. I worried less, my panic attacks were gone, and I didn't feel like i needed to stress out about anything, which is what I need before I leave for Europe this weekend.
A friend of mine shared with me a cute video of a man with cancer wishing his wife a happy birthday. In it he says that he will never give up on her, and hoped that she would never give up on him. It made me realize that love is not dead, some people may never get over a bad relationship they had, feel as if they wont be able to love again, or trust another person again. But this gave me a new hope that I will be able to find someone, that love in fact is not dead, that it is not unrealistic to want a monogamous relationship and have it last. When will I find that love? I don't know. How many guys will I go through to find it? Hopefully not to many, but I do know that he is out there. I just have to find him.

Cute Video

I was going through music videos a while a go when I came across this cute music video. It was a college project and these students made a gay music video to Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me



Whenever I have given up on boys I usually watch this and it makes me happy :)

New Life, New Adventures

So after one of my friends had read this blog he mentioned how it was great, but also depressing. I didn't realize that I didn't really write about anything happy. So I will write about something happy :)
A lot of different things has happened to me since I have returned from my mission in November. Nothing that I could have foreseen. I have met a lot of great people, I have been on dates, I had a boyfriend, and got kicked out of BYU-Idaho. The more i look back I see how everything happened for a reason, and is preparing me for my future. I do miss Cameron a ton, it hurts me when I find out he is with other guys or dating them. But I do need to move on, I was reading a friends blog and saw this picture:

Pretty soon I will be writing a new chapter in my life and I am excited for it. I am in need of something new, fresh, and exhilarating. I am excited for the new friends I will make, and the people I will love. And nothing is better to start this off with than going on a trip to Europe :)
Right before I move I will be going on a trip to London and Rome with my family for nine days. I have been to London already before but never to Rome. My goals there are to:
1. Eat a lot of good food
2. Meet the Pope
3. See a lot of cute Italian boys
My friend today told me that I will be disappointed in Rome because there are only cute boys and no hot girls. But when she said that i just smiled inside and thought, oh no, I do not think I will be disappointed.
I will be sure to take a lot of pictures of the buildings, food, and of course... the boys for everyone :)
I think that this trip will cheer me up and help me get through and over all the heartbreak that has happened recently. :)

Life Is So Complicated

I always forget to update my blog and get behind on my updates. About three weeks ago Cameron and I broke up. He had been doing some very stupid things, and had cheated on me and I could not handle it. The first boyfriend I had cheated on me as well so right now I am having a hard time being able to trust boys, and relationships. I wonder sometimes if there are any loyal guys who want a monogamous relationship like I do. To have a husband and kids and a dog and a nice house. Ultimately the American dream, only with two gay men.
Cameron decided yet again that he wants to be straight. I don't understand him, I don't think I ever will. I wish him the best that he will find what he wants in life, and in a way I feel sorry for him. He doesn't know what he wants, but I do.
I am still in Houston, living with my family. I just got back from a trip to Abilene with my family to see my nieces baptism. I had a great time with my family and I love them. I wish I could feel that they would love me no matter what, that they could have the same unconditional love for me as I do for them.
During my nieces baptism I didn't feel anything, it wasn't a spiritual experience to me, but I still don't have any hard feelings for the church.
We came back home tonight and it felt good being back home. I love hanging out with my family, but sometimes its too much. I get questioned if there are any girls I like, when I am wanting to get married, and all the questions mormon families ask. It bothers me most that my parents know that I am gay, but they continue to ask me if i like this certain girl or if I want to date them. I don't think that going from not being attracted to girls what so ever, and becoming straight can happen so quick, but thats just me.
My days here in Houston keep going by quickly and I'm meeting new people as I am here, some cool guys, some I regret meeting. But life is full of different experiences to make up who we are. Many of those experiences I wish I hadn't gone through, but I know they are the ones that shaped me into the person I am.
I don't know if I will find the guy of my dreams any time soon but I will be looking and hope I can find someone who wants the same things that I do, who is trustworthy and loyal.

A lot has happened since I have last posted on here. My life has changed completely. I was recently outed to BYU by a girl I know who was jealous I wasn’t dating her. She told the school about how I kissed a boy and went an a trip with him one weekend. I got called into the school and they told me that if I told on the person I kissed I would get suspended for only a semester, but if I didn’t then it’d be a year. I decided not to because I promised myself I would never rat someone out even if it came to this. So I ended up being suspended for a year.
They later ended up finding out who it was, and it was Cameron and kicked him out for a year. But they told him to never apply back to BYU again, because he had had a previous history with BYU honor code.

ON A SIDE NOTE:
Cameron and I got back together after a big fight we had and thought things over and he decided that he wanted to pursue the gay lifestyle.

I ended up telling my brother first about the incident, he didn’t know I was gay before but I told him. He was pretty supportive about me, except he said that he doesn’t agree with homosexuality and he takes the LDS church stance on it but he still loves me. Then I told my dad. He got very upset and told me I would go to hell if I perused this lifestyle and basically gave me the same lecture he did when I first came out to him. We didn’t end up telling my mom, but she later found out from either my brother or dad.
But my parents didn’t want me to come home, so no one would find out I got kicked out so I stayed in Idaho Falls for a month until the end of the semester. I had a great time living there and had a great roommate, and I was closer to a lot of my friends because most of them lived in Idaho Falls.
Well after a month I drove back home to my parents house to live for 2 months. When I get home I go put my stuff in my room, and my parents follow me up to my room.
They sit down and have a talk with me. My dad brought up what happened at school, gave me the lecture how I’m going to hell again, how I can’t have a family, have kids, have a good job if I am gay. How it’s wrong and if I think it’s right I need special help. Then he made me swear I would date girls and marry one and not be gay. So knowing my parents and how they wouldn’t drop this and how they might cut me off financially, and since I only have 21 cents in my bank account, I agreed.
So I have unsuccessfully come out of the closet for the 2nd time.
My plan for attempt number 3 is after I graduate from college and have money of my own. Although my dad said if this happens again it’ll be like shit hitting the fan. So I don’t know what will happen, but I know in the end I need to be true to myself and do what will make me happy.

It's Called The Dating Game Part 1

I think I have formed a strong resentment towards dating. Well I should say in relationships at all. Most all of my relationships that I have had always ends up badly. I'm not saying I'm not open to dating, just I'm going to be more cautious of who I date.

Looking back on all my dating experiences I have learned one thing, and that is not to settle. You may feel like this person is the best you can do, and that is why you are with them but in the end, it's not worth it. After returning from my mission I started right up back to school and started dating. I gained a lot of gay friends while here some good ones, and some I wish I never met. My first dating experience being here in Idaho dealt with a very secretive gay guy, he was rich and would let people know he was. He wouldn't give me his real name until the first time we met, then he wouldn't give me his number until the second time, and each time I met him

I found out something new about him. I don't know why but I liked him a lot, he was different than what I was used to. He took me out and took care of me. We went to the movies and held hands and we talked about dating, it felt to me as if we were. He would text me every morning telling me good morning and that he was thinking about me. We would video chat, and talk on the phone.

Then one day he called it off and told me he didn't want a boyfriend. He later moved onto another guy and was paranoid I

was trying to find out who he was and got kind of psycho about it. Nonetheless we stopped talking after he threatened to file a lawsuit against me for deferment and slander. WTF? Who does that.

After that I was pretty bummed out, but to get my mind off of things I talk to guys and I date other guys. It just helps me out and helps me move on. Then there was a guy named Jeramy. Jeramy seemed like the typical gay. He was fun to hang out with and helped me get out of my mormon shell. I would always have a fun time hanging out with him.

He gave me my first taste

of alcohol, we had slumber parties and attempted to watch movies together. He told me he wasn't looking to date one guy but just have an open relationship and that he wasn't ready for anything serious. And my favorite date we had together was our last. I went to his place and we hot tubbed, watched a movie, and he fell asleep in my arms. Then when the movie was over we moved over to the bed and cuddled. He avoided talking to me for two weeks after that. Then he later told me that he was dating someone. I felt hurt and used, I yet again was a number 2 guy.

Then there was Kyle. Kyle seemed cool, he was a little shy around other people but once he got

to know you he opened up. I would invite him to hang out with my friends and I. And then I asked him out on a date. The date went well we went to dinner than a movie. And towards the end we held hands. After that he kind of ignored my texts, then I went to my friends house and saw him there. We just played it normal and talked to each other every now and then. Then that night was the first time I got drunk. It was with my friend his roommate and Kyle. That night we took a walk around the neighborhood and talked. Kyle was telling us how he was texting a guy named Steve. I told him oh I know a Steve thats gay, but he moved. Then Kyle asked me what his last name was, but I couldn't remember, then he asked me what his number was, and I told him how I deleted his number, but I do know he moved to this one city. Then Kyle got all defensive and told me how I probably didn't know the same person since I didn't know his last name or number. Then he asked me how I knew him, and I told him how we were supposed to date but we never ended up going on one.

Well the later that night Kyle told me how he asked Steve and he told him that we don't know each other. So I was fine with it and just dropped it. But the next day came and I got on my computer and his number was saved on my address book. Kyle and I talked and I asked him if everything was ok, since he had been ignoring me. He said yes, but he didn't think things would work between him and I since he was trying to work things out with his ex, and I wished him the best of luck. Then I told him how I found Steve's number and asked him if it was the right Steve. The he asked me why I gave him Steve's number and how he already had it and didn't ask for it. I just told him that he asked for it last night and I found it. Then he ignored me.

The next day I went on facebook to check out things and I noticed Kyle and I weren't friends anymore, so I messaged him and asked if I had accidently deleted him maybe or what. He then told me that he could tell that we were about to get into drama and he didn't want to deal with it. I told him how there was no drama and how I was fine with him trying to get together with his ex, and I dont care about Steve at all. He then told me that that wasn't it and how he had a lot of stuff going on in his life and he should have to explain to me what is going on and how he needed space and wanted space away from me.

I was kind of shocked, I didn't do anything. And then one more boy shot me down. I was getting tired of this, I was getting tired of guys, and always being a second choice to them. and when I thought that it wouldn't happen any more since it already did three times, what happens? Yup you guessed it, it happened again...

The Hopelessness of Dating

I have been home from my mission for almost seven months now, and it feels as if it has been longer. I have changed from who I used to be into something that I can say I am proud of. I have allowed myself to express who I truly and to my friends and they have accepted me with arms wide open, and I feel as if a stronger bond between them and I was formed. I was now free to tell my friends about the boys that I think are cute or about the dates I have been on, I could tell them anything.

Recently I have just gotten out of a relationship. I met this boy named Cameron in February. From the first time I looked at him I thought he was cute, and as I got to know him better I wanted to hang out with him more. After that night we started hanging out almost every day. We later extended our friendship activities by making out in abandoned parking lots, holding hands, and cuddling. I grew strong feelings for Cameron and I wanted to date him. He told me how he didn't want a boyfriend and how this is the furthest we will go relationship wise. I decided that this wasn't healthy for me and I had a talk with him. We decided to be friends but to stop making out cuddling or anything else a couple would do. That night I was emotionally drained. I had strong feelings for him, but he didn't feel them for me. I felt if i started dating other guys and doing stuff with them they would keep my mind off of him. But it didn't work, I still had my strong feelings for Cameron, and I wanted him to be my boyfriend.

The only problem was Cameron had feelings for our friend who introduced us to each other, Kevin. Kevin and Cameron had known each other since January and did the same things that I had when I had first met Cameron, but they eventually decided, before I met either of them, that they would only be friends. They both believed in the mormon religion and wanted to be good mormons, but they would always slip up every now and then.

It was the end of the semester and I went back home for the break, while Kevin and Cameron stayed. Over the break I found out from a source that Cameron had asked Kevin to be his boyfriend and told him his feelings for him, but Kevin denied him and wanted them to remain as friends. I was angry at Cameron because he told me how he didn't want a relationship, and how he wanted to be a good mormon, but he had just asked Kevin out. I felt like I was yet again worthless and not good enough for guys. I didn't tell Cameron this because I had had enough drama with the different guys I had been dating to keep my mind off of him.

When I got back into town Cameron and I hung out like we had before, it was always hard not reaching over to hold his hand, or to cuddle with him as we watched a movie on the couch. But I knew that I had made the right choice.

Cameron and I decided one weekend to go to Salt Lake City and bring one of his friends Tyler with us. That weekend we had a great time all together, and the last night Cameron told me how he liked me a lot and how he wanted to date me. Then he told me at night while I was sleeping that he loves me. I didn't know what to think or expect, he had told me a few weeks ago that he didn't want a boyfriend, the he asked out Kevin, and now a week after he

was telling me that he loves me.

The next day we talked about it and he told me that he wanted to wait a week before we start dating for some personal reasons. And then I became one of the happiest people on Earth. I was so happy that he finally felt the same way that I had felt for him for a long time. We started going on dates and doing the things we used to when we first met.

My birthday was coming up and he had planned a romantic weekend for us, and bought us a suite at a hotel in downtown Salt Lake City. The Wednesday before the weekend, he asked me to be

his boyfriend. I was so happy I couldn't express it. We had an amazing weekend and our relationship grew stronger, and our feelings for each other did as well. I felt as if i could be with him the rest of my life. That he was the perfect boy I had been looking for, the person I would have house, kids, and dog with. And usually when things go perfect for me it doesn't last long.

Cameron had gone to church and gave a talk during the service. He told me as we were driving around Sunday night how it was an amazing talk, and everyone had felt the spiri

t but him. He then told me about how he wanted to feel the spirit again, and how he wanted to receive the Priesthood. When I heard this my stomach dropped. I knew this wasn't good, and he could tell I was upset as well. He then explained how he thought how we could still be together just hold hands and kiss and that he would be able to receive it and be a good mormon. But that isn't the case. If he really wanted to receive it and be a good mormon, he couldn't have a boyfriend. That night we almost broke up but decided to wait to see how he felt about things, we didn't break up but my heart did. That night I cried myself to sleep thinking why would he do this to me? Why did he not decide this before we got together, before I set my mind on being with him the rest of my life. Why me? Why now? Relationships never come easy, so I don't know why I thought this one would too.

The next day we drove around and talked, he told me again how he wanted to receive the priesthood and be a good mormon, how he believe the church to be true. And I asked him which one does he want more me or the church, and he couldn't answer and that was when I knew that him and I couldn't be together. I would be the one holding him back from what he believed to be true. I felt as if he would always resent me if I had held him back, and I loved him so much that I had to do something that he didn't have the courage to do and I broke up with him. I knew he would resent me at first for it, but I knew that the church was more important to him than me, and that he couldn't have me as a boyfriend if he was to reach his goal. He later told our friends how I broke up with him and broke his heart and made me look like a total douche bag. He told me how I broke up with him because he wasn't perfect enough for me, and I was using the church as an excuse to do it. This broke my heart, could he not see the sacrifice I made in breaking up with him. He was my life, he was my everything, and I gave it up because I loved him, I wanted what was best for him and would make him happier.

The days went on and he would always bring up how I broke us up not, him and how it was my fault and how he wished we were together.

Then I found out that he was getting onto hook up websites looking for guys. This broke my heart, I felt like our break up was in vain. I had broken up with him so that he could reach his goal, but he wasn't trying hard to work for it. I then asked him, do you think it'd be better for you if we were together or if we weren't, and he told me that if we weren't.

He then later found out that I had been going on these websites as well and that I had gone to a gay bar, and drank with other gay guys and was disgusted. He got mad that I told him he shouldn't be on those sites when I was myself.

I couldn't understand his logic, he was the one who was supposed to be trying to get the priesthood not me. He was the one supposed to be a good mormon, not me. I was having such a hard time dealing with the break up I was occupying myself with talking to other guys to distract me from reality, and drinking to relax and escape my problems for a little while. But he thought I was a hypocrite and that I had broken up with him so I could find someone better than him, and that broke my heart. He kept bringing up every time we would hang out how it was my fault that we broke up, and how if it was up to him we'd be together.

Then tonight I got tired of it. I sat in the car with him and told him how much of a sacrifice I made letting him go, how I did it for him and because I loved him so much and

would support him in trying to reach his goal. But then I told him how if he truly wants to be with me I will get back together with him, but if not, I told him not to mention the break up again and it being my fault, because every time it broke my heart and made me feel like a monster. He told me he didn't know. Then I told him again, if you really wanted me like you have been telling me you would have picked by now. And in the end he picked us not being together, I told him afterwards that he can't say it was me breaking up with him, but now that it's mutual because I was willing to give us another shot.

Cameron has broken my heart and has added more reason for me to not trust in relationships any more. I do want to find Mr. Right but I think that I'm not ready yet to date again, and I think that this will be a long rough journey ahead of me, but in the end it will be worth it.

The Perfect Boy

The perfect boy. It is what I have been looking for since I had first accepted I was gay. I can't think of a time

when I didn't like boys, but I knew that in my family it was wrong. Growing up I had mainly girl friends, I had a few boy friends, most which ended up being gay later in life, but mainly girls were in my life. I felt like I could be myself around them, and I loved listening to them tell me about their boy crushes. I had always wanted to just come out and tell them how I thought he was cute too or how I had a crush on a boy in my class, but

I knew that it wasn't acceptable in my family.

I grew up in a complete mormon family, my immediate family, and extended family are all practicing mormons. And if you know anything about the mormon religion, they are against practicing homosexuality.

When I was in High School I dated this one girl for about four years on and off. I was emotionally attached to her. I felt like I could be myself around her and that maybe she could be the one to turn me straight. I would pray at night to God asking him to turn me straight that I can have a happy life and not be a disappointment to my family. Nothing happened to me, I felt the same as I always had and still was sexually attracted to boys, and emotionally to girls. I wouldn't allow myself to get close enough to a guy emotionally because I didn't want to give into my homosexual tendencies.

I later graduated from High School, having never kissed a girl and feeling as confused as ever. That is when I decided to change things in my life. I had felt lonely and depressed throughout High School not feeling the love that I needed or feeling of acceptance. That is when I met my first boyfriend Dustin. Him and I instantly clicked, we could talk to each other for hours, we made each other laugh, and each other happy. I felt a strong connection to him as I had never felt with anyone before. We went on our first date and we knew what we were feeling was right and we furthered our relationship and became official. We had been dating for over a year and we both loved each other. I felt like he was my true love. But then my worst nightmare came true.

Dustin had been cheating on me. He moved to college four hours away from where I lived and I had moved to college 28 hours from where I lived. While we were gone Dustin felt lonely and cheated on me with one of his friends he told me I didn't need to worry about. That was the worst I had ever felt. I felt betrayed, worthless, and as if I couldn't trust anyone ever again. I had given him all of my love and trust and he betrayed me. We almost broke up, but I couldn't put myself through it, I loved him and wanted to be with him, and I forgave him.

I later was asked to serve a mission for my church for two years, Dustin did not like this at all. He talked me into coming out to my parents and I did. Nothing good came from that and I ended up going on the mission anyways. Dustin had promised he would wait for me no matter what while I was gone and he would be there for me when I got back. Then one month into my mission, he broke up with me. It was devastating, I felt like my world came to an end. How could he break up with me? After I took him back in after cheating on me, I didn't understand it at all. But then I realized that my search for the perfect boy wouldn't be an easy one. But a long, and heart breaking journey in my life.