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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Perfect Boy

The perfect boy. It is what I have been looking for since I had first accepted I was gay. I can't think of a time
when I didn't like boys, but I knew that in my family it was wrong. Growing up I had mainly girl friends, I had a few boy friends, most which ended up being gay later in life, but mainly girls were in my life. I felt like I could be myself around them, and I loved listening to them tell me about their boy crushes. I had always wanted to just come out and tell them how I thought he was cute too or how I had a crush on a boy in my class, but
I knew that it wasn't acceptable in my family.

I grew up in a complete mormon family, my immediate family, and extended family are all practicing mormons. And if you know anything about the mormon religion, they are against practicing homosexuality.

When I was in High School I dated this one girl for about four years on and off. I was emotionally attached to her. I felt like I could be myself around her and that maybe she could be the one to turn me straight. I would pray at night to God asking him to turn me straight that I can have a happy life and not be a disappointment to my family. Nothing happened to me, I felt the same as I always had and still was sexually attracted to boys, and emotionally to girls. I wouldn't allow myself to get close enough to a guy emotionally because I didn't want to give into my homosexual tendencies.
I later graduated from High School, having never kissed a girl and feeling as confused as ever. That is when I decided to change things in my life. I had felt lonely and depressed throughout High School not feeling the love that I needed or feeling of acceptance. That is when I met my first boyfriend Dustin. Him and I instantly clicked, we could talk to each other for hours, we made each other laugh, and each other happy. I felt a strong connection to him as I had never felt with anyone before. We went on our first date and we knew what we were feeling was right and we furthered our relationship and became official. We had been dating for over a year and we both loved each other. I felt like he was my true love. But then my worst nightmare came true.
Dustin had been cheating on me. He moved to college four hours away from where I lived and I had moved to college 28 hours from where I lived. While we were gone Dustin felt lonely and cheated on me with one of his friends he told me I didn't need to worry about. That was the worst I had ever felt. I felt betrayed, worthless, and as if I couldn't trust anyone ever again. I had given him all of my love and trust and he betrayed me. We almost broke up, but I couldn't put myself through it, I loved him and wanted to be with him, and I forgave him.
I later was asked to serve a mission for my church for two years, Dustin did not like this at all. He talked me into coming out to my parents and I did. Nothing good came from that and I ended up going on the mission anyways. Dustin had promised he would wait for me no matter what while I was gone and he would be there for me when I got back. Then one month into my mission, he broke up with me. It was devastating, I felt like my world came to an end. How could he break up with me? After I took him back in after cheating on me, I didn't understand it at all. But then I realized that my search for the perfect boy wouldn't be an easy one. But a long, and heart breaking journey in my life.

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