My Blog

Monday, August 30, 2010

Life Is So Complicated

I always forget to update my blog and get behind on my updates. About three weeks ago Cameron and I broke up. He had been doing some very stupid things, and had cheated on me and I could not handle it. The first boyfriend I had cheated on me as well so right now I am having a hard time being able to trust boys, and relationships. I wonder sometimes if there are any loyal guys who want a monogamous relationship like I do. To have a husband and kids and a dog and a nice house. Ultimately the American dream, only with two gay men.
Cameron decided yet again that he wants to be straight. I don't understand him, I don't think I ever will. I wish him the best that he will find what he wants in life, and in a way I feel sorry for him. He doesn't know what he wants, but I do.
I am still in Houston, living with my family. I just got back from a trip to Abilene with my family to see my nieces baptism. I had a great time with my family and I love them. I wish I could feel that they would love me no matter what, that they could have the same unconditional love for me as I do for them.
During my nieces baptism I didn't feel anything, it wasn't a spiritual experience to me, but I still don't have any hard feelings for the church.
We came back home tonight and it felt good being back home. I love hanging out with my family, but sometimes its too much. I get questioned if there are any girls I like, when I am wanting to get married, and all the questions mormon families ask. It bothers me most that my parents know that I am gay, but they continue to ask me if i like this certain girl or if I want to date them. I don't think that going from not being attracted to girls what so ever, and becoming straight can happen so quick, but thats just me.
My days here in Houston keep going by quickly and I'm meeting new people as I am here, some cool guys, some I regret meeting. But life is full of different experiences to make up who we are. Many of those experiences I wish I hadn't gone through, but I know they are the ones that shaped me into the person I am.
I don't know if I will find the guy of my dreams any time soon but I will be looking and hope I can find someone who wants the same things that I do, who is trustworthy and loyal.

Friday, August 6, 2010

A lot has happened since I have last posted on here. My life has changed completely. I was recently outed to BYU by a girl I know who was jealous I wasn’t dating her. She told the school about how I kissed a boy and went an a trip with him one weekend. I got called into the school and they told me that if I told on the person I kissed I would get suspended for only a semester, but if I didn’t then it’d be a year. I decided not to because I promised myself I would never rat someone out even if it came to this. So I ended up being suspended for a year.
They later ended up finding out who it was, and it was Cameron and kicked him out for a year. But they told him to never apply back to BYU again, because he had had a previous history with BYU honor code.

Cameron and I got back together after a big fight we had and thought things over and he decided that he wanted to pursue the gay lifestyle.

I ended up telling my brother first about the incident, he didn’t know I was gay before but I told him. He was pretty supportive about me, except he said that he doesn’t agree with homosexuality and he takes the LDS church stance on it but he still loves me. Then I told my dad. He got very upset and told me I would go to hell if I perused this lifestyle and basically gave me the same lecture he did when I first came out to him. We didn’t end up telling my mom, but she later found out from either my brother or dad.
But my parents didn’t want me to come home, so no one would find out I got kicked out so I stayed in Idaho Falls for a month until the end of the semester. I had a great time living there and had a great roommate, and I was closer to a lot of my friends because most of them lived in Idaho Falls.
Well after a month I drove back home to my parents house to live for 2 months. When I get home I go put my stuff in my room, and my parents follow me up to my room.
They sit down and have a talk with me. My dad brought up what happened at school, gave me the lecture how I’m going to hell again, how I can’t have a family, have kids, have a good job if I am gay. How it’s wrong and if I think it’s right I need special help. Then he made me swear I would date girls and marry one and not be gay. So knowing my parents and how they wouldn’t drop this and how they might cut me off financially, and since I only have 21 cents in my bank account, I agreed.
So I have unsuccessfully come out of the closet for the 2nd time.
My plan for attempt number 3 is after I graduate from college and have money of my own. Although my dad said if this happens again it’ll be like shit hitting the fan. So I don’t know what will happen, but I know in the end I need to be true to myself and do what will make me happy.