My Blog

Monday, October 25, 2010

Europe, Moving, and Holden

Don't you ever wonder when life wont be so complicated? I do all the time! Since I have written last I have been busy with basically starting a whole new life. I was living in Texas for a while after I got kicked out of BYU-Idaho. Things were pretty easy not having a job and just hanging out with my friends and family.
Then I left for Europe. My dad went on a business trip to London and Rome and decided to take the family with him. We spent about a week and a half touring these two cities, eating the food, and well I cant vouch for everyone but, checking out all the cute boys. It was fun, tiring, and something I will remember always.
After I got home I immediately set down to find an apartment for Kade and I to live in. Kade was one of my friends that I met in Utah and we agreed to move in together. So 2 days after I got back from Europe, I packed up and headed to Utah. It is about a 24 hour drive from Texas to Salt Lake City, and it seems like a 50 hour trip when you do it by yourself. I stopped off in Albuquerque New Mexico and spent the night, then headed to Salt Lake City the next day. As I left Albuquerque it was pouring down rain and I couldn't see anything in front of me, so that delayed the trip by about an hour. Then a lot of construction was going on throughout the trip. I thought that my day couldn't get any more frustrating until the apartment complex that Kade and I were supposed to move into said that we were unable to. I was not very happy when I heard this. Kade was at work til later and it was hard to look for apartments while driving. So I was panicking wondering where I was going to live since I had no apartment to move into and all of my stuff in my car. Luckily my friend Tao let me stay with her for a few days, and Kade and I eventually found an apartment to move into, from one of his old friends named was Holden.
When I walked in he had a big smile on his face and seemed like one of the nicest guys you could meet. We talked for a bit and then he gave us a tour of the apartment and we decided to take it. Holden later texted me how he was excited that I would be moving into the complex and how I should visit him while he was in the office because he got bored easily. As the days went by Kade and I moved in, I hadn't found work yet so I was bored at home and would come visit Holden. We would text each other every day all the time telling each other about how we love each others smile and how we feel when we were around each other. Sappy, I know but we were happier when we were around each other. He later asked me out and we went on a date.
After he got off work we went in his truck to Chilis and had dinner, we had a great conversation and a wonderful time, then we went and saw a movie.
We were the only ones in the movie theater and sat down in the middle. We talked until the movie started and watched it, he was nice enough to take me to see Owls of Ga'Hoole since no one else wanted to go with me. And it ended up being a pretty decent movie. The movie was coming to an end and neither of us had made a move on each other. His hand was opened on his lap which made him seem like he wanted me to hold it, but it seemed to far away, and I was nervous that made I misread all the conversations and this was just a friend date. The movie progressed and as it did we moved closer and closer to each other until he grabbed my hand and held it. We later moved on to cuddling and in the end we kissed.
After the credits finished we went back to his truck and he drove me home. We parked in my apartment complex and I would have invited him in but we didn't have a couch and I didn't have a bed so we had no where to go to sit and talk. But he was ok with that. We stayed in the car and talked for a while, then we saw how late it was getting and decided to wrap things up. I told him how much fun I had and hoped we could do it again sometime soon. Then we started kissing. It felt weir me not being paranoid that someone might catch us kissing. I didn't care who saw, and I didn't care what they thought. I was happy.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Coming Soon to a Blog Near You!

I have been very busy with going to Europe, moving to Salt Lake City, meeting new friends, going to parties, and going on dates. Expect a post tonight or tomorrow. I promise :)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

A New Hope

One thing I have noticed with break ups I have had, and what my friends have experienced, its a loss of hope. We feel like our world has ended, we feel as if we cannot overcome this trial that we have nothing left to live for. We have had our love, or our chance at it, and it won't come by again. We question if it was ourselves who caused the relationship to end, were we not good looking enough, did we not spend enough time with the other person, or were we too needy? We all feel inadequate after the break up, especially if the other person committed infidelity.

After having only two relationships and both of them cheating on me, I felt all those things, and questioned myself. I didn't feel like anyone would want to love me, and wondered why should they. Depression and thoughts of sadness and self pity devoured my mind. It was all I could think about, I would torture myself thinking about him cheating on me and cry myself to sleep. I would experience panic attacks each day thinking about it. Why is it always the partner in the relationship feel it is their fault, they feel worse than the person who betrayed them?
Dustin and I still remain friends. I really do believe that he did love me, that he messed up, and he still apologized to this day about it. There was a difference between Dustin and Cameron in the relationship. When I was going to break up with Dustin, he fought for me, he cried with me, he did everything in his power to keep me. With Cameron he accepted it and that was the end to it. He said that he wanted to be a good mormon and date girls again. But then he told me about how he was going on a date this weekend, with a guy. My heart started pounding harder and harder when I heard this, and I went into another panic attack, I lost my breath and felt dizzy and nauseous.
I thought to myself, the reason he didn't fight for me was because he was trying to be a good mormon and be "straight." But he was going on a date with a guy. It didn't make any sense to me, and i realized how I felt every time I talked with Cameron. Even though I had been going on dates with other guys, I felt like he shouldn't if he really had loved me. I felt that if he did that proved he didn't. I realized that i felt overwhelmingly jealous when I heard him talk about any other guy he was interested in and just felt bad inside. That is when I decided I needed time away from Cameron.
I went on a friend date with Dustin and told him the whole situation, and he told me how he thinks it is a good idea to stay away from cameron. He wanted me to stay away from him all together, but I don't think I would be able to do that. He may have been a bad boyfriend, but he was my best friend, and is a good friend. I think that since we haven't had a period of time where we haven't had time apart from each other, this might be the healthiest thing if we want to keep a relationship of friendship.
After trying out not talking to Cameron for 2 days I started to feel a little better. I worried less, my panic attacks were gone, and I didn't feel like i needed to stress out about anything, which is what I need before I leave for Europe this weekend.
A friend of mine shared with me a cute video of a man with cancer wishing his wife a happy birthday. In it he says that he will never give up on her, and hoped that she would never give up on him. It made me realize that love is not dead, some people may never get over a bad relationship they had, feel as if they wont be able to love again, or trust another person again. But this gave me a new hope that I will be able to find someone, that love in fact is not dead, that it is not unrealistic to want a monogamous relationship and have it last. When will I find that love? I don't know. How many guys will I go through to find it? Hopefully not to many, but I do know that he is out there. I just have to find him.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Cute Video

I was going through music videos a while a go when I came across this cute music video. It was a college project and these students made a gay music video to Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me

Whenever I have given up on boys I usually watch this and it makes me happy :)

Monday, September 6, 2010

New Life, New Adventures

So after one of my friends had read this blog he mentioned how it was great, but also depressing. I didn't realize that I didn't really write about anything happy. So I will write about something happy :)
A lot of different things has happened to me since I have returned from my mission in November. Nothing that I could have foreseen. I have met a lot of great people, I have been on dates, I had a boyfriend, and got kicked out of BYU-Idaho. The more i look back I see how everything happened for a reason, and is preparing me for my future. I do miss Cameron a ton, it hurts me when I find out he is with other guys or dating them. But I do need to move on, I was reading a friends blog and saw this picture:

Pretty soon I will be writing a new chapter in my life and I am excited for it. I am in need of something new, fresh, and exhilarating. I am excited for the new friends I will make, and the people I will love. And nothing is better to start this off with than going on a trip to Europe :)
Right before I move I will be going on a trip to London and Rome with my family for nine days. I have been to London already before but never to Rome. My goals there are to:
1. Eat a lot of good food
2. Meet the Pope
3. See a lot of cute Italian boys
My friend today told me that I will be disappointed in Rome because there are only cute boys and no hot girls. But when she said that i just smiled inside and thought, oh no, I do not think I will be disappointed.
I will be sure to take a lot of pictures of the buildings, food, and of course... the boys for everyone :)
I think that this trip will cheer me up and help me get through and over all the heartbreak that has happened recently. :)

Monday, August 30, 2010

Life Is So Complicated

I always forget to update my blog and get behind on my updates. About three weeks ago Cameron and I broke up. He had been doing some very stupid things, and had cheated on me and I could not handle it. The first boyfriend I had cheated on me as well so right now I am having a hard time being able to trust boys, and relationships. I wonder sometimes if there are any loyal guys who want a monogamous relationship like I do. To have a husband and kids and a dog and a nice house. Ultimately the American dream, only with two gay men.
Cameron decided yet again that he wants to be straight. I don't understand him, I don't think I ever will. I wish him the best that he will find what he wants in life, and in a way I feel sorry for him. He doesn't know what he wants, but I do.
I am still in Houston, living with my family. I just got back from a trip to Abilene with my family to see my nieces baptism. I had a great time with my family and I love them. I wish I could feel that they would love me no matter what, that they could have the same unconditional love for me as I do for them.
During my nieces baptism I didn't feel anything, it wasn't a spiritual experience to me, but I still don't have any hard feelings for the church.
We came back home tonight and it felt good being back home. I love hanging out with my family, but sometimes its too much. I get questioned if there are any girls I like, when I am wanting to get married, and all the questions mormon families ask. It bothers me most that my parents know that I am gay, but they continue to ask me if i like this certain girl or if I want to date them. I don't think that going from not being attracted to girls what so ever, and becoming straight can happen so quick, but thats just me.
My days here in Houston keep going by quickly and I'm meeting new people as I am here, some cool guys, some I regret meeting. But life is full of different experiences to make up who we are. Many of those experiences I wish I hadn't gone through, but I know they are the ones that shaped me into the person I am.
I don't know if I will find the guy of my dreams any time soon but I will be looking and hope I can find someone who wants the same things that I do, who is trustworthy and loyal.

Friday, August 6, 2010

A lot has happened since I have last posted on here. My life has changed completely. I was recently outed to BYU by a girl I know who was jealous I wasn’t dating her. She told the school about how I kissed a boy and went an a trip with him one weekend. I got called into the school and they told me that if I told on the person I kissed I would get suspended for only a semester, but if I didn’t then it’d be a year. I decided not to because I promised myself I would never rat someone out even if it came to this. So I ended up being suspended for a year.
They later ended up finding out who it was, and it was Cameron and kicked him out for a year. But they told him to never apply back to BYU again, because he had had a previous history with BYU honor code.

Cameron and I got back together after a big fight we had and thought things over and he decided that he wanted to pursue the gay lifestyle.

I ended up telling my brother first about the incident, he didn’t know I was gay before but I told him. He was pretty supportive about me, except he said that he doesn’t agree with homosexuality and he takes the LDS church stance on it but he still loves me. Then I told my dad. He got very upset and told me I would go to hell if I perused this lifestyle and basically gave me the same lecture he did when I first came out to him. We didn’t end up telling my mom, but she later found out from either my brother or dad.
But my parents didn’t want me to come home, so no one would find out I got kicked out so I stayed in Idaho Falls for a month until the end of the semester. I had a great time living there and had a great roommate, and I was closer to a lot of my friends because most of them lived in Idaho Falls.
Well after a month I drove back home to my parents house to live for 2 months. When I get home I go put my stuff in my room, and my parents follow me up to my room.
They sit down and have a talk with me. My dad brought up what happened at school, gave me the lecture how I’m going to hell again, how I can’t have a family, have kids, have a good job if I am gay. How it’s wrong and if I think it’s right I need special help. Then he made me swear I would date girls and marry one and not be gay. So knowing my parents and how they wouldn’t drop this and how they might cut me off financially, and since I only have 21 cents in my bank account, I agreed.
So I have unsuccessfully come out of the closet for the 2nd time.
My plan for attempt number 3 is after I graduate from college and have money of my own. Although my dad said if this happens again it’ll be like shit hitting the fan. So I don’t know what will happen, but I know in the end I need to be true to myself and do what will make me happy.