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Thursday, September 9, 2010

A New Hope

One thing I have noticed with break ups I have had, and what my friends have experienced, its a loss of hope. We feel like our world has ended, we feel as if we cannot overcome this trial that we have nothing left to live for. We have had our love, or our chance at it, and it won't come by again. We question if it was ourselves who caused the relationship to end, were we not good looking enough, did we not spend enough time with the other person, or were we too needy? We all feel inadequate after the break up, especially if the other person committed infidelity.

After having only two relationships and both of them cheating on me, I felt all those things, and questioned myself. I didn't feel like anyone would want to love me, and wondered why should they. Depression and thoughts of sadness and self pity devoured my mind. It was all I could think about, I would torture myself thinking about him cheating on me and cry myself to sleep. I would experience panic attacks each day thinking about it. Why is it always the partner in the relationship feel it is their fault, they feel worse than the person who betrayed them?
Dustin and I still remain friends. I really do believe that he did love me, that he messed up, and he still apologized to this day about it. There was a difference between Dustin and Cameron in the relationship. When I was going to break up with Dustin, he fought for me, he cried with me, he did everything in his power to keep me. With Cameron he accepted it and that was the end to it. He said that he wanted to be a good mormon and date girls again. But then he told me about how he was going on a date this weekend, with a guy. My heart started pounding harder and harder when I heard this, and I went into another panic attack, I lost my breath and felt dizzy and nauseous.
I thought to myself, the reason he didn't fight for me was because he was trying to be a good mormon and be "straight." But he was going on a date with a guy. It didn't make any sense to me, and i realized how I felt every time I talked with Cameron. Even though I had been going on dates with other guys, I felt like he shouldn't if he really had loved me. I felt that if he did that proved he didn't. I realized that i felt overwhelmingly jealous when I heard him talk about any other guy he was interested in and just felt bad inside. That is when I decided I needed time away from Cameron.
I went on a friend date with Dustin and told him the whole situation, and he told me how he thinks it is a good idea to stay away from cameron. He wanted me to stay away from him all together, but I don't think I would be able to do that. He may have been a bad boyfriend, but he was my best friend, and is a good friend. I think that since we haven't had a period of time where we haven't had time apart from each other, this might be the healthiest thing if we want to keep a relationship of friendship.
After trying out not talking to Cameron for 2 days I started to feel a little better. I worried less, my panic attacks were gone, and I didn't feel like i needed to stress out about anything, which is what I need before I leave for Europe this weekend.
A friend of mine shared with me a cute video of a man with cancer wishing his wife a happy birthday. In it he says that he will never give up on her, and hoped that she would never give up on him. It made me realize that love is not dead, some people may never get over a bad relationship they had, feel as if they wont be able to love again, or trust another person again. But this gave me a new hope that I will be able to find someone, that love in fact is not dead, that it is not unrealistic to want a monogamous relationship and have it last. When will I find that love? I don't know. How many guys will I go through to find it? Hopefully not to many, but I do know that he is out there. I just have to find him.

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