My Blog

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Hopelessness of Dating

I have been home from my mission for almost seven months now, and it feels as if it has been longer. I have changed from who I used to be into something that I can say I am proud of. I have allowed myself to express who I truly and to my friends and they have accepted me with arms wide open, and I feel as if a stronger bond between them and I was formed. I was now free to tell my friends about the boys that I think are cute or about the dates I have been on, I could tell them anything.
Recently I have just gotten out of a relationship. I met this boy named Cameron in February. From the first time I looked at him I thought he was cute, and as I got to know him better I wanted to hang out with him more. After that night we started hanging out almost every day. We later extended our friendship activities by making out in abandoned parking lots, holding hands, and cuddling. I grew strong feelings for Cameron and I wanted to date him. He told me how he didn't want a boyfriend and how this is the furthest we will go relationship wise. I decided that this wasn't healthy for me and I had a talk with him. We decided to be friends but to stop making out cuddling or anything else a couple would do. That night I was emotionally drained. I had strong feelings for him, but he didn't feel them for me. I felt if i started dating other guys and doing stuff with them they would keep my mind off of him. But it didn't work, I still had my strong feelings for Cameron, and I wanted him to be my boyfriend.
The only problem was Cameron had feelings for our friend who introduced us to each other, Kevin. Kevin and Cameron had known each other since January and did the same things that I had when I had first met Cameron, but they eventually decided, before I met either of them, that they would only be friends. They both believed in the mormon religion and wanted to be good mormons, but they would always slip up every now and then.
It was the end of the semester and I went back home for the break, while Kevin and Cameron stayed. Over the break I found out from a source that Cameron had asked Kevin to be his boyfriend and told him his feelings for him, but Kevin denied him and wanted them to remain as friends. I was angry at Cameron because he told me how he didn't want a relationship, and how he wanted to be a good mormon, but he had just asked Kevin out. I felt like I was yet again worthless and not good enough for guys. I didn't tell Cameron this because I had had enough drama with the different guys I had been dating to keep my mind off of him.
When I got back into town Cameron and I hung out like we had before, it was always hard not reaching over to hold his hand, or to cuddle with him as we watched a movie on the couch. But I knew that I had made the right choice.
Cameron and I decided one weekend to go to Salt Lake City and bring one of his friends Tyler with us. That weekend we had a great time all together, and the last night Cameron told me how he liked me a lot and how he wanted to date me. Then he told me at night while I was sleeping that he loves me. I didn't know what to think or expect, he had told me a few weeks ago that he didn't want a boyfriend, the he asked out Kevin, and now a week after he
was telling me that he loves me.
The next day we talked about it and he told me that he wanted to wait a week before we start dating for some personal reasons. And then I became one of the happiest people on Earth. I was so happy that he finally felt the same way that I had felt for him for a long time. We started going on dates and doing the things we used to when we first met.
My birthday was coming up and he had planned a romantic weekend for us, and bought us a suite at a hotel in downtown Salt Lake City. The Wednesday before the weekend, he asked me to be
his boyfriend. I was so happy I couldn't express it. We had an amazing weekend and our relationship grew stronger, and our feelings for each other did as well. I felt as if i could be with him the rest of my life. That he was the perfect boy I had been looking for, the person I would have house, kids, and dog with. And usually when things go perfect for me it doesn't last long.
Cameron had gone to church and gave a talk during the service. He told me as we were driving around Sunday night how it was an amazing talk, and everyone had felt the spiri
t but him. He then told me about how he wanted to feel the spirit again, and how he wanted to receive the Priesthood. When I heard this my stomach dropped. I knew this wasn't good, and he could tell I was upset as well. He then explained how he thought how we could still be together just hold hands and kiss and that he would be able to receive it and be a good mormon. But that isn't the case. If he really wanted to receive it and be a good mormon, he couldn't have a boyfriend. That night we almost broke up but decided to wait to see how he felt about things, we didn't break up but my heart did. That night I cried myself to sleep thinking why would he do this to me? Why did he not decide this before we got together, before I set my mind on being with him the rest of my life. Why me? Why now? Relationships never come easy, so I don't know why I thought this one would too.
The next day we drove around and talked, he told me again how he wanted to receive the priesthood and be a good mormon, how he believe the church to be true. And I asked him which one does he want more me or the church, and he couldn't answer and that was when I knew that him and I couldn't be together. I would be the one holding him back from what he believed to be true. I felt as if he would always resent me if I had held him back, and I loved him so much that I had to do something that he didn't have the courage to do and I broke up with him. I knew he would resent me at first for it, but I knew that the church was more important to him than me, and that he couldn't have me as a boyfriend if he was to reach his goal. He later told our friends how I broke up with him and broke his heart and made me look like a total douche bag. He told me how I broke up with him because he wasn't perfect enough for me, and I was using the church as an excuse to do it. This broke my heart, could he not see the sacrifice I made in breaking up with him. He was my life, he was my everything, and I gave it up because I loved him, I wanted what was best for him and would make him happier.
The days went on and he would always bring up how I broke us up not, him and how it was my fault and how he wished we were together.
Then I found out that he was getting onto hook up websites looking for guys. This broke my heart, I felt like our break up was in vain. I had broken up with him so that he could reach his goal, but he wasn't trying hard to work for it. I then asked him, do you think it'd be better for you if we were together or if we weren't, and he told me that if we weren't.
He then later found out that I had been going on these websites as well and that I had gone to a gay bar, and drank with other gay guys and was disgusted. He got mad that I told him he shouldn't be on those sites when I was myself.
I couldn't understand his logic, he was the one who was supposed to be trying to get the priesthood not me. He was the one supposed to be a good mormon, not me. I was having such a hard time dealing with the break up I was occupying myself with talking to other guys to distract me from reality, and drinking to relax and escape my problems for a little while. But he thought I was a hypocrite and that I had broken up with him so I could find someone better than him, and that broke my heart. He kept bringing up every time we would hang out how it was my fault that we broke up, and how if it was up to him we'd be together.
Then tonight I got tired of it. I sat in the car with him and told him how much of a sacrifice I made letting him go, how I did it for him and because I loved him so much and
would support him in trying to reach his goal. But then I told him how if he truly wants to be with me I will get back together with him, but if not, I told him not to mention the break up again and it being my fault, because every time it broke my heart and made me feel like a monster. He told me he didn't know. Then I told him again, if you really wanted me like you have been telling me you would have picked by now. And in the end he picked us not being together, I told him afterwards that he can't say it was me breaking up with him, but now that it's mutual because I was willing to give us another shot.
Cameron has broken my heart and has added more reason for me to not trust in relationships any more. I do want to find Mr. Right but I think that I'm not ready yet to date again, and I think that this will be a long rough journey ahead of me, but in the end it will be worth it.

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